Grabbing Onto the Good

I have always been a pessimist, a glass-half-empty sort of gal. It just seems to be easier that way, because you're less likely to be disappointed. My upbringing kind of made me that way. If I didn't expect much for birthdays and Christmas and anything else that takes money, I was never disappointed because it was just as I expected. If I expected to not do well on a test and ended up getting an A, what a great surprise! Just the way I've always been. But lately, as I have been more reflective and studying scriptures more, I find myself leaning towards optimism. But I'm still embarrassed to reveal that part of me. I am a funny person. But if I believe in Christ, and believe in the scriptures, then I must be a hopeful person. I DO believe in Christ and I DO believe in the scriptures. Therefore, I should be an optimist. I should hope for the best. I have found lately that I am grasping onto the good and not letting go. Yes, my life is not perfect. Yes, we have problems. But I am not depressed about it. I used to get depressed so easily. In fact, for a brief moment in high school I contemplated suicide. That is so far from my way of thinking now it's laughable. We have no money for anything but bills. I'm not even sure I will be able to grocery shop this month. I don't know how to outfit my kids for school this year. That worries me. But I faithfully pay my tithing. I trust the Lord knows my needs and He will provide. The good thing this week? My husband's schedule changed at the last minute and he will be back to his regular schedule cutting his commute down to 10 minutes from 60 and getting his regular overtime back. This was not going to happen when he went to bid, but then it opened up and miraculously it did. This was a direct tithing blessing. I will never believe otherwise. My parents are being sued by some overzealous, bored neighbor. They are in debt around a million dollars thanks to my dad's medical bills. My mom works at a horrible dollar store in one of the worst parts of town. My dad works less and less all the time (by choice). Their house is a hole that probably should be condemned. My sister lives there and does hardly anything for them. But she finally got a job after being out of work for 3 months! It's almost weird to be looking at the positive side of things. I feel like a whole new person. I could make a list of the good and bad and the bad would almost certainly outweigh the good. But the good is so amazing and overwhelming and wonderful it sooo outweighs the bad. This is hope in Christ. This is looking for the best while preparing for the worst. This is what I've been missing out on for all those pessimistic years. What a waste!

UNFAIR!!

I have had four children. I am not very big, but 3 of my 4 babies were. My hips are now wider than they were before I had children. My stomach muscles are pretty much useless now, too. I've been married for almost 15 years and I'm closer to 40 than 30. Do I look like I did in high school? Not even close. But my dear sweet husband. He's a different story. I found a picture of him as a senior in high school the other day. He was in a tank top and flexing his gorgeous biceps and pecs. Here's the problem: HE STILL LOOKS LIKE THAT!! In fact, he looks better now than he did then! How is that fair? True, he did not have to bear four children. But still, the man is in his mid 30's and looks better now than when he was 17? NOT FAIR! His job is mostly sitting for hours on end. He eats ice cream almost daily and drinks almost nothing but soda. He works evenings and eats just before going to bed at night. And yet he has a washboard stomach, ridiculous arms and chest and legs as hard as a brick wall. Unbelievable. I worked out everyday for two weeks and lost nothing. He works out a couple times a week and loses weight while gaining muscle. I eat treats with him at night before we go to bed and I gain 8 pounds. I run around all day after these children, and do laundry and weed pulling and dishes and vacuuming and dusting and kitchen cleaning and bath room cleaning and have a disgusting muffin top that is getting worse. I love my hubby. I find him extremely sexy. I just wish I could feel the same way about myself. My baby is 4 now and I'm still struggling to lose my baby weight. My husband is in the best shape of his life. Can't we be fat together???

BLESSINGS

I am truly blessed. My life is so far from perfect, but I am still blessed. There is tragedy and sadness and horror all around me. The world is a frightening place and getting more and more scary by the day. But I have a wonderful husband who is loyal, faithful and loving. I have four wonderful, healthy, intelligent, caring children. I have the knowledge of truth and a testimony of God and Jesus Christ. I am fairly healthy. I have a saint for a mother. I have a house to live in and food to eat. My cars work, for the most part. Thank God I was born where and when I was. I am surrounded by divorce and heartbreak, rifts in families, destitution, people living in daily fear. I cannot even watch the news anymore because everything is depressing and wrong. I have family members making poor and horrible choices that cause heartbreak and anguish to all around them. I have finally come to realize that I cannot control all that. I really have very little control in the larger scheme of things. Let go, let God. I have no control except to pray and plead to my Father in Heaven. May those around me feel His love and His power to comfort and bring peace. I don't have that power. I cannot make people choose the way I think they should. I cannot bring that internal peace everyone needs. I cannot make people believe what I think they should believe. But I can search for that peace and pray that others may find it as well. Peace not as the world can bring, but peace only through the Savior.

STEP UP PARENTS!

Every night this week, there has been a report of children dying. This is especially tragic because ALL of them were PREVENTABLE. A two year old drown in a river during a family camping trip because only a 7 year old was left to watch him. Another 2 year old drown in a canal because he was playing at a park and no one bothered to watch him as he left the playground, crossed a huge field, snuck through a broken fence and fell into the water. An 8 year old and his mother both fell into the swift moving, flooded river and only the mother was pulled out. A teenager tried floating down another swollen river on an air mattress and had to be rescued. Another teenager crossed infront of a train and got hit. What is going on, people??? Are we so busy with our lives that we cannot take time to know where our children are or to teach them basic safety skills? For months, the news has been about flooding everywhere and to be EXTRA CAUTIOUS around water because it's high, cold and fast moving. And how do you get hit by a train when lights are flashing and arms are down and the TRACKS show you EXACTLY where the train is going to be? This is why we have them wear helmets when they bike or scooter. This is why we have seat belts in our vehicles. This is why we keep poisons out of reach and supervise scissor use. But we can't keep them away from dangerous rivers? We can't teach them how and when to cross streets and train tracks? These parents now have to deal not only with losing a child, but the guilt of not keeping them safe. That is horrible. I cannot think of anything worse. Let's all take an extra second today. Tell our kids we love them. Teach them safety rules in and out of the house. There is so much evil and danger in the world already. Let's not go chasing waterfalls.

Pity Party

I find myself sitting at home vegging out on the computer, playing puzzle games. I could have gone to a party, but chose to "forget" about it. Too many people to have ignore me. I also find myself wallowing in a misery for loved ones. I am so disappointed in so many of them lately. I can do nothing more than just watch them make mistake after mistake. I know what is right and what is wrong. I also know that what the world teaches is right and wrong is NOT even close to what is ACTUALLY right and wrong. It's more sad because these family members used to believe the same and they have made such a 180 on what they know to be true. How can I pretend to be happy for them when I'm really just sad and disappointed? Yippee, you had a baby out of wedlock! Congratulations on the shot-gun wedding! Hey, you had a great time getting drunk at that party, good for you! Wow, what a great job you're doing at ruining your children's lives by being totally selfish! Am I perfect? Not in the least. But I'm trying. I'm also trying to teach my children the right way to have a happy and productive life. Great examples, my beloved family members. Thanks so much for that. This is when I just want to hide myself and my children away from the world. I know we're supposed be IN the world not OF the world. But I'm finding more and more that I don't even want to be IN the world. I want to live behind a large wall away from everything and everyone. But I've got to be strong to be able to teach my children to avoid temptation. I have to rely on only my Father in Heaven because everyone else is just disappointing. I've also got to pull myself out of this funk. It's not my fault they have chosen other ways. I also have no control over it. Oh, that I were an angel...

Bittersweet Endings

I find myself at the end of the baby road. It's exciting but kind of sad. I officially removed all the baby-proofing cabinet closers yesterday. At this point, they're more annoying than anything and all my kids are now old enough to open them anyway. I also have not bought diapers or specific baby food or even whole milk for a while now. The crib has been collecting dust in the basement for a few years. I don't have to help anyone get dressed (except for tying shoes or zipping up the back of a dress). When my daughter was born, my husband and I both felt that our family was complete. It was a good way to end after three boys. I can look at other pregnant ladies or other babies and not feel that pang to have another. I feel joy that I am past that stage. I get to watch my babies grow into youth. I really enjoyed being pregnant, for the most part. I loved giving birth and seeing who I'd been creating for the previous 9 months. I loved nursing them. But that part of my life is over. And that's ok. I am looking forward to the next 14 or so years as all my kids slowly grow up and out. It is still hard to watch them grow up. I about had a heart attack when I got the letter in the mail notifying me of 7th grade registration for my oldest. My baby will soon be 4. My kids are becoming more independent. It's a joy to watch that. I'm moving past the "do things for you" stage into the "guide you" stage. It's scary. It's wonderful. It's nerve-wracking. It's relaxing. Everyday is a new emotion. "Ah! My son will be in junior high!" "No more diapers!!" "Hey! My kids got up and ready for school without constant prodding!" "Have you really outgrown ALL the pants I bought for you for school?" Now, I just have to prod along, hoping I am preparing them to become a part of this world, that I am showing them how to be responsible, loving, righteous adults. That's a lot of pressure! Maybe those middle-of-night feedings and carrying around huge diaper bags weren't too bad...

Lies, Half-Truths, and Make-Believe

Having just come through Easter with my children, I have been pondering all the mis-truths that we tell our kids. Although most are with good intentions and fun, when it comes down to it we are just lying to our kids. I am just as guilty. I can't help myself. I love the tradition of Santa Clause. I love the whole idea of him. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he were real? The Easter Bunny really doesn't make sense to me though. How did a holiday about resurrection and traditional chocolate candy and eggs get associated with a rabbit? Wouldn't an Easter Chicken make more sense? Or maybe an Easter Phoenix, since that mythical bird is all about resurrection? The tooth fairy is the least logical to me. What parent dreamt this up? Who first thought baby teeth would be worth money? It's not like the kids earn this, the teeth just fall out. And the tooth fairy never comes on time in my house. She is very forgetful, not to mention much stingier than at other houses.
But it's not just about the elves and leprechauns. How about the stork that brings babies? Subject matters that are uncomfortable have to involve the best lies. The stork has never been a story I have told, but you also cannot explain how babies are really made to a 4-year-old. You also cannot tell kids what you are REALLY doing behind that locked bedroom door. Oh, the half-truths I have come up with to explain to my inquisitive children about how the baby got in my tummy. I went through it with every pregnancy after my first. Not to mention explaining the dog was really only "hugging" their leg.
I have been open about body parts, though. My sons don't have a "thingy" or a "twig and berries" or a "tallywacker", they have a penis. This is more because I find a lot of the euphemisms more crass than the actual body part name. I mean, "tallywacker"? Really?